You've Had Sex Too Soon!  Now What?

After doing research online and many discussions with the gals, I have learned the worst thing a female can do is sleep with a man too quickly.  How dare we????  We would be better off vomiting or farting in front of a man than have sex with him too early.  The issue is, when is it too early?  I have seen the "five date" rule and even the "90 days" rule.  Do those actually work?????

Let me lay out how this typically goes…

You have met a man (either online, at the bar or even the obscure meeting at a bookstore) or maybe you have been on a few dates already and the sparks are flying.  There is good conversation and loads of physical attraction from both parties.  You can almost feel the sexual heat.  The end of the night is coming but you know you don't want it to be over.  In fact, you know you want to sleep with him  Your body is literally taking over and you must touch him.  At this point you may touch his arm or maybe you are more bold and go for the kiss.  He is feeling it and giving it right back.  You are in trouble and you know it.  Your brain is screaming for you to stop now and end the evening.  You probably have the following conversation in your head...

"No!  Stop now!  He is never going to talk to you again if you have sex with him tonight.  Ugh!  But he is so sexy and I want to feel his skin on mine!  It's been so long since I've had sex and I need it!  He might be different!  Oh my God, he such a good kisser!!!!  Okay, I am weak and I am totally doing this.  He said he is different, so he just might be different.  He HAS to be different!"

The next thing you know you are in a vehicle heading to a location that contains a bed.  It might be his place or yours, heck, it may even be a motel.  You know this is going to happen and yes there is still time to change your mind and be strong because you really like this one, but he just gave you a smoldering side glance that practically screamed in your face that he wants to rip your clothes off.  Crap!  Yeah, you are past the point of no return.  Now you are there and the kissing is HOT.  Clothes are coming off and there is no doubt you are no longer listening to any of the dating "rules".  You have great sex which just makes you want him more.  After passionate, intense, and exhausting relations you both pass out.  The next morning dawns and you panic.

"What happens now????  Did I just mess this whole thing up????  Why didn't I stick to the rules????  I will never hear from this guy again.  I didn't make him work for it.  Why do I do this????"  Yes, you have just had that freak out in your head while he stirs next to you.  He wakes up and gives you that huge smile that says he is so happy to see your face.  Okay, maybe this isn't so bad.  At least that's what you are now telling yourself to feel better about laying naked next to this man who has blown you away in every way possible.  You are hoping that he will still be interested.  He may cuddle up on you before getting up to make breakfast, which adds to the hope.  You have more sparkling conversation before parting ways.  Begin the next phase of panic…

You might be driving home, or maybe you are taking a shower when you start to wonder if you will ever hear from him again.  A few minutes or maybe a few hours later your phone chirps and you eagerly check to see if it's him because of course your phone has not left your side since you left him.  It's him!  He has messaged!  Deep sigh of relief.  He is different!  He tells you he had a great time and can't wait to see you again.  This is better than you could have hoped for!  You have broken the rules and you are victorious!  But wait…

The messages still come in.  He may call here and there, but you have noticed things have slowed down.  The contents of his messages aren't the same and his phone calls are boring.  Everything seems more generic and empty.  There are no questions about your day or even attempts to get to know you.  All of this may go on for a week or two and the whole time there are no indications of trying to see you again.  He hasn't mentioned wanting to see you again nor has he asked for a date to put on the calendar.  Uh oh!  Week three is now coming and the calls aren't.  Sure, you may get one a week or possibly two messages, but that's it.  You respond to his messages but it may take days for him to do the same.  You may have even asked if he would like to see you again.  He says yes, but can't give you a day because of his job or some other obligation.  You flirt or even do a little light sexting, but it doesn't seem to grab his attention.  Great….stupid rules.

At this point your gut is telling you that you messed up.  Yes, you fell for it.  You fell for the "Baby, I'm not those other guys."  He got what he wanted from you.  Sure, he was probably interested in more than just one night with you, but he wasn't about to turn down sex.  Of course you can continue to keep the lines of communication open in the hope that he will cave in at some point and realize he wants you.  We have all done this.  All of us!  At some point you have to admit to yourself that he is done.  He is no longer interested in you and just doesn't want to be an asshole by saying the actual words.  He is trying to let you down easy.

You must stop contacting him now.  Just let it go.  Yes, there are exceptions to the rules.  We have all heard the story of the friend of a friend who slept with a guy very early or upon first meeting, but the guy totally fell in love with her and they are still together to this day.  Maybe it does happen, but how many of us actually know a woman with that story?  It doesn't happen often enough to make us feel better about what we just did.  You are not that girl, not this time.  It's okay.  Don't beat yourself up!  Meeting someone that causes your libido to stand up and salute is not a terrible thing.  We are primal beings who need sex.  Women need to own this!  However, if you are looking for a serious relationship with any man you must control your animal side.  It is a sad but true thing that men will not stay interested in the female who gives it up too soon and then seems too available after.  They will confuse manners with neediness.  I don't like to be rude so I respond in a timely manner to messages no matter who sends them.  I think men mistake that for me having no life and sitting by the phone waiting for them to contact me.  It's not true.  I also hate playing games.  I despise the whole "wait an hour or more before responding" crap.  Much to my annoyance I have learned that you must do these things in order to keep his attention.  All my research has said the same thing.  Men don't like when a woman is too available or too interested.  Great, awesome, helpful…except not.  What does that mean??????

How do we seem less interested but still interested enough to not make him give up?  How do we not seem difficult and high-maintenance?  I see a common theme when researching these questions.  Men seem to want women who have interests outside of him.  That's great.  I'm sure we all do, but how do we keep these guys around long enough to find that out?  Or how do we get them to ask questions pertaining to us so we can tell them what we do for fun or to unwind from our daily grind?  I have no answers for that and it seems no one else does either.  The best I can offer is that you can't immediately respond to his messages or answer all of his calls.  Now, if that means you turn off your ringer and hide your phone while you are watching hours of Netflix, then so be it.  Maybe you don't have hobbies or anything to do that night.  He doesn't need to know that just yet.  I personally need to learn and hone this trick.  I need to learn to be more aloof and relaxed about men.  If he messages, so what.  Shrug it off and maybe respond tomorrow.  If this works and he finally starts suggesting an actual date to see me again, I might just be busy that particular night, but i can suggest another night.  That would make it seem like I have a busy schedule when in all honesty, I will probably be watching one of my favorite television shows in my undies while eating ice cream, alone.  He doesn't need to know that!  Basically, it is all a game.  Every moment of this dating dance is a game.  Obviously, the smart thing to do is not sleep with him too quickly, but if you have already broken that rule, then the rules must be altered.  Imagine it's like using your GPS.  You have made a wrong turn and now it must recalculate your destination.  Back up a little and don't panic.  If he still doesn't seem to be contacting you often or trying to see you again, then let him go.  He wasn't different. 

The Disappearing Act

Many feel we have lost the old days of magicians.  The ones who would place a beautiful assistant or lovely volunteer from the audience into a black box, knock three times, say the magic words, and POOF, she was gone!  Long gone are the days of Houdini and his shackles.  However, what if those days are still present, just in a different form?  What if the magicians are no longer making some woman disappear?  What if the magicians are making themselves disappear?

In the five years I have been single, there has been one constant theme.  There is a breed of the male species who are masters of the disappearing act.  They have perfected the wonderful messages, phone calls, conversations, first dates, or first time having sex followed by zero contact.  The messages stop, the phone never rings, and those deep conversations dry up like the desert.  What causes this?  Why do men feel the need to just go poof?

The story seems to be consistent with most of the females I know, including myself.  You meet a guy.  Maybe you meet him online (normal these days), at a bar, or just walking down the street.  He seems great.  There is an instant connection of some kind.  Sparkling conversation which leads the two of you to exchange phone numbers or email addresses.  You go home or sign off the dating website thinking you might just have found something promising that could lead to the elusive first date.  Of course you call your friends and fill them in so they can tell you how he is definitely going to contact you.  A few hours or even a few days pass with nothing.  Your phone doesn't ring no matter how many times you check it.  Then, finally, once you have made peace with the fact that no man will ever want you, he contacts you.  Now, many things can happen at this point.  One scenario is that you continue chatting on the phone or texting each other.  It goes great.  Connections are happening and "lol's" are coming by the dozens.  You haven't made any absolute solid plans to go on a date or perhaps meet in person, but you have discussed how that meeting would go if it ever happens.  There is flirting and maybe even some sexting.  You both exchange some photos, PG and maybe some not so PG.  This texting/phone call date typically lasts from a day to a week without actually meeting in person for a real date.  And then it happens.  The texts stop.  You send a few to ask how his day went or maybe to say good morning, but he doesn't respond.  Of course you start to panic.  Where did it go wrong?????  You search past messages to see if you somehow admitted that you want to marry him tomorrow and name your first son after his grandfather or that you are too damaged for anyone to truly understand.  As you frantically scroll, it becomes clear that you maintained.  You were witty, charming, funny, and flirty.  So, what the hell happened??????

The other scenario is that all the exchanged messages and phone calls do lead to the much sought after first date.  You meet for coffee or dinner.  What should have been a few hours turns into six hours.  It goes so well that you are certain this guy is totally into you and this is the beginning of something.  The end of the night comes along before either one of you is ready to part company.  The goodnight kiss is perfect.  So perfect that you force yourself to stop and go home OR you give in and have sex on the first date.  Neither decision has any affect on the disappearing act.  Anyway, this was a perfect first date.  He tells you that he had a great time and can't wait to see you again.  He might even make plans with you for date number two.  You are one hundred percent sure that you will hear from him again and already start thinking about what outfit you will wear on the second date.  Your friends are excited and again totally certain this guy will contact you.  And then it happens…nothing.  Radio silence.  A day passes, three days, a week with nothing.  You decide to be the modern female and message him with a simple hello.  Obviously you don't want to seem needy and ask why he disappeared!  Once you have sent the hello message the phone gets tossed away from wherever you are sitting just so you can avoid checking it every five minutes.  The next morning you still haven't received a hello message.  Now you are probably entering panic mode.  You run through every moment of the date.  Did you have something in your teeth?  Were you a bad kisser or worse….bad in bed????  Your friends tell you that you are being silly.  You are the perfect woman and they would absolutely date you if they were a man.  If all of that is true, what the hell happened?????

It's simple.  You have just met a Houdini, a magician, an expert at the disappearing act.  This is the guy who can only handle one night or a week of messages/phone calls.  He can't commit past that.  It had nothing to do with you.  He never had any intention of taking this further than a few days or weeks.  You couldn't have seen this coming.  None of these men wear signs that say, "I will give you a week of awesome and then disappear.  Want to play?"  I find the only way to deal with the magician is to move on and let it go.  Do not beat yourself up over these guys.  Complain to your friends over cocktails and shake it off while checking out the hot bartender.